Mompetition

Mompetition: The one-up rivalry that moms play making their child seem better, smarter, and/ or more advanced than yours. May involve two or more moms and any number of children, even full-grown. (According to the Urban dictionary online).

So let me let you in on a secret, Motherhood is HARD so why are we in competition with each other when we all have one thing in common that can bring us together?

I feel like this unspoken competition is really prevalent with stay at home mom vs. working moms. Here is another secret, both stay and home moms and working moms work very hard and are struggling. I have been at stay at home mom (kind of) when the babies were first born as my company pays for 6 months off so I stayed home for those six months although technically I was still employed and getting paid. For the other 2.5 years, I have been a working mom. I can tell you that being a working mom is hard from my own experience and a lot of companies are not friendly or empathetic to a working mom. I have to admit, I used to be one of those people that thought moms used their kids as excuses to leave early, take extra time off or not work as hard as others. After having kids I realized the truth, we still are hard working but are kids are and will always be the most important thing in our life and if that means leaving early to get them from daycare sick, that is what it means. What a lot of people don’t see or hear about is the long hours that we put in at night or in the wee hours of the morning to make up for that work. I don’t think everybody has my work ethic and it has not changed but the way I do work is different especially if my kids are sick and need me. This means in order to keep up with my career, I have to put in the hours after the kids go to bed and honestly this is exhausting. My day starts at 5AM and ends at about 9PM when I can barely function anymore. There are days that I want to stay up and watch TV or read but that is usually not top on my priority list after days of utter fatigue. I also know stay at home moms and they work hard too, they spend all day attending to children and that is not easy day after day after day. The only thing that at stay at home mom has that I don’t is time at home to get “home” stuff done which I also have to do early in the morning, late at night or on the weekends. Sometimes I wish I had more time at home to tend to these things so I could actually sleep in or enjoy a good book at night.

This happens everyday in our society and I just find it so frustrating. We have this one really huge thing in common with each and every mother and instead of uniting and helping each other, we compete. My kids started soccer this last week and of course practice is at 5PM on a weekday on the other side of town so I get off work early (boss is pissed off), get home and try to wrangle to 3 year olds sans nap into cleats, shin guards and uniforms and drive as fast as I can to the park. I show up about 5 minutes late to be greeted by a group of about 5 other moms, assuming from their wardrobe and multiple infants I am assuming they are stay at home moms. You should have seen the glares, I tried to introduce myself with no response and heard a couple of rude remarks that I ignored. Do these women know what being kind is or assuming positive intent? They don’t know that the night before I was up all night with a kid that did not feel well, had had a breakdown at work over a stressful project and got into a fight with my boss about leaving early just to mention a few things. I am sure they are all fighting their own battles but the difference is that I don’t make rude remarks under my breath to make them feel worse than they already do. I was 5 minutes late, get over it, this is not the world cup. My kids just turned 3, yours are 5 so yes mine are a little crazier on the field, again…GET OVER IT. What I really don’t understand is they were the parent a year or two ago that had the youngest players on the team so why cant they realize that and just be nice???

On top of the working mom vs. stay at home mom battle there are also so many other unspoken ones. I cannot tell you how many times moms told me how their child was potty trained at 12 months (bullshit), reading at 3 (again bullshit) and so on. I don’t know if these moms thinks that it impresses people to brag about their children but I think it makes them look like ass holes. I mean I brag about my kids, I am proud of certain achievements and milestones but when I tell you that I am proud that my kids are potty trained at 3 years old I don’t need to hear about your magic potty pooping 6 month old, just say congratulations and MOVE ON. I don’t know maybe I am more secure in my parenting or maybe I just don’t care what people think, probably a combination of both.

I would really like to see us stop shaming moms that do things differently and accept and maybe even learn something from it. Another example, I don’t let me kids eat a lot of sugar. With all of the debate over sugar right now you would think I would not get ridiculed but I can tell you that almost on a daily basis I am told “let them be kids, give them sugar.” Um, no that is my parenting choice and I would appreciate if you would respect it just like I respect the choice that you give your kids sugar by the truckloads. I don’t agree with it, but they are not my kids so I don’t have any right whatsoever to express opinions about their health.

Can you imagine a world where we came together as moms and supported each others decisions and respected and celebrated the differences we have? Wow, what a difference the world would be for us moms and kids.

I can hope that one day, people realize that motherhood is not a competition but a part of life that is challenging and we could all use a little support from people who understand. So next time you want to tell somebody how to parent or overshadow their children’s accomplishments think:

Is it necessary?

Is it kind?

Is it helpful?

If the answer is no then don’t say it. Instead why don’t you offer to help a mom you see struggling, lend a kind word, give them some positive reinforcement. If we all made small steps, we could build a tribe of moms who support each other and maybe, just maybe make motherhood a little easier.

XOXO- not going to compete twin mom

Let them be little

As far as parenting goes, we all have our own philosophy and try to do the best that we can for our children.  I think we are all guilty of judging other parenting styles but we all know what is best for our own children. For me personally my philosophy is to let them be little. This is actually a pretty loaded statement in a world full of technology, television, IPods, video games and smart phones to let your child live the life of a child. To me, this means that I have to be actively engaged with my children each and every single day. We are working parents and there are days that I want to throw in the towel and not physically, emotionally and mentally engage with the kids but it is so important. Don’t get me wrong, there are days that the kids watch a movie and my husband and I sit on the couch enjoying the silence and ability to sit on the couch. These days are few and far between for us because we want our kids to be engaged in the world, have fun, love nature and learn new things. Some of our favorite activities include going to the zoo, visiting the airplane museum, puzzles, coloring, playing outside, building forts, swimming and going to the park. I know that we do a good job of keeping the kids active and busy doing fun things but the other day we did some crafts and it really hit home how important it is to engage your kids in meaningful activity. I made little picture frames out of popsicle sticks and glued on wood letters spelling out the names of people and things that they like. I gave them some paint brushes and some paint and it was magical. I have never seen the boys so engaged in an activity and so proud of their work (even though with the mixing of all of the colors it looked like vomit to me) they thought their art was fabulous. Ethan was so focused at one point that he was sticking out his tongue with deep concentration. Our painting activity had to end because of bath time but I think they could have gone for hours. Last night my husband went to the store after work and did not give me very much information as to where he was going so I thought maybe he was buying me flowers or something. He comes home with a bag full of clothespins, popsicle sticks, paint, stickers and other crafts. I was in awe that my husband went to the craft store and actually found the craft aisles and bought things. This is not in my husbands nature AT ALL so when I asked him why he did this he said that he wanted to start craft night because the kids had so much fun. It really warmed my heart that my husband bought crafts but this just goes to show that letting them be little and giving them fun engaging activates is a win/win for everybody. I understand that giving the kids an iPad or throwing them in front of the TV would probably make my life easier but to me it is not worth it. As soon as they hit school age they will be inundated with technology so while I can do it, I am going to let them have fun and do things that kids are supposed to do. Oh and did I mention that these kind of activities actually engage their brain and make them smarter. I know a have not done everything right in my parenting but I let them be little and that I know I am doing right!

XOXO- Crafty twin mom

Trying to control your feelings in an emotional world

I have always embraced being am emotional person but have come to the realization that our emotions control us and can stand in the way of us moving forward in certain aspects of our life. My feelings have let family, friends and co-workers treat me poorly because of this my fear that if I say how I feel they will hurt my feelings. I know that I need to learn to control my feelings to be my best self and get to where I need to be. I took the following excerpt from a phenomenal video about this topic. If you need a little motivation this will definitely help. These 6 minutes can really make you think of things differently. So, I am a work in progress but for the time being I am going to try to follow what this video is saying because it speaks a lot of truth.

“At the end of your feelings is nothing,
But at the end of every principles is a promise
Behind your little feelings, it might not be absolutely nothing at the end of your little feelings
But behind every principles is a promise
And some of you in your life
The reason why you are not in your goal right now, because you just all about your feelings
All on your feelings, you don’t feel like waking up, so who does?

Everyday you say ‘no’ to your dreams,
You might be pushing your dreams back a whole six months, a whole year!
That one single day, that one day you didn’t get up could have pushed your stuff back I don’t know how long

Don’t allow your emotion to control you
We are emotional but we wanna begin to discipline your emotion
If you don’t discipline and contain your emotion, they will use you

You want it and you’re going to go all out to have it
Its not going to be easy, when you want to change
Its not easy. If it were in fact easy, everybody would do it
But if you’re serious, you’ll go all out”

XOXO- Need to make some changes twin mom

Insight from a twin mom

Being a mom of twins is something unique, something indescribably amazing and challenging and something that a lot of people do not understand.

I am not a scientist but let me try to break this down because there are a lot of misconceptions when it comes to twins. The most common types of twins are:

monozygotic- This means that the twins are identical, they are the product of one fertilized egg splitting and making two babies. In essence, these babies share the same DNA and will be the same gender, have the same hair color and eye color, etc. This does not mean that they are EXACTLY the same which is a common misconception. These twins will share a placenta in utero.

dizygotic- This means that two eggs were fertilized and therefore there are two babies in the same pregnancy. These twins do not share the same DNA and can be different genders, have different skin color, eye color, hair color, etc. They also do not share a placenta like identical twins.

There are also mono-mono meaning they share the same sac and placenta, this is very high risk and often results in conjoined twins. This is the most rare and dangerous form of twin pregnancy.

So my boys are Mono-Di meaning that they are identical. They shared a placenta but had their own sac. They also did not share the placenta evenly which is why this twin pregnancy is considered high risk.

Fraternal twins are genetic meaning that they may run in your family. Many women that go through infertility and have in-vitro fertilization have fraternal twins. This DOES NOT mean that everybody with fraternal twins had reproductive assistance.

Identical twins are spontaneous meaning there is truly no rhyme or reason that the egg split, I thing God must have a sense of humor because he gave me identical twins.

OK so now that this is cleared up… I mean I really did not know specifics before I had twins but you would be amazed by the stupid questions that people ask. Some of the more memorable ones are below along with my answers:

-Are they twins (um yeah, I think it is pretty obvious)

-Are they natural? (so this is deeply personal and should never be asked by a stranger but yes they were conceived the good old fashion way and it really is none of your business)

-Are you sure they are identical, they don’t look EXACTLY alike. (This one really makes me roll my eyes. Identical twins does not mean they are a replica of each other. There are many factors that can make them different. When they are in the womb, things can happen that effect their physical attributes. For example, one of twins is bigger and has always been because he had more of the placenta. Birth marks can occur on one and not the other. Their position in utero can make different head shapes. One of my guys wears glasses and the other one does not. So they do look similar, a lot of people can’t tell them apart but they are not the exact same.) Oh and it is science that makes them identical not how much they look alike. Yes identical twins should look similar but not the same.

-Can you tell them apart? (Yes, I am not an idiot, they are two different people that look different to me and have completely different personalities. I have heard of twin moms that cannot tell their children apart, and I don’t mean as newborns and I think they are intellectually challenged because they would have to be really stupid not to be able to tell their 3 year olds apart.)

-Did you try to have twins? (There is no magic potion that you  can drink to have twins, I make babies just like everybody else, it is not rocket science. I have literally been asked if I used a certain sexual positions to “make twins” WOW, that is the stupidest question I have ever heard and you are an idiot for asking.)

-Which one do you love more? (Whichever one is pissing me off the least that day)

-Is it hard? (Really? I mean do people think the babies take care of each other?)

-Can they read each others mind? (I think they have a special and indescribable bond but no they are not aliens or super human…they are just normal kids.)

So on top of stupid questions, we also get stupid comments like these:

-I had kids similar in age, I think that is harder (nope, I doubt it…shut up or run because I might punch you.)

-Having twins is probably easier (please see response above.)

-I have 3 kids so twins are nothing (again please see response from the first one.)

-Too bad you did not get a boy and a girl (um, I am quite happy with two boys but thanks for sharing your opinion about what the ideal family looks like to you.)

-You should not be so strict about their schedule (I like my sleep and having as much control as I can so it is my choice to keep them on a schedule.)

-You should or should not dress them alike (My kids, my choice, shut up.)

-Can I touch them, I think twins have special powers (Please don’t touch my child, we deal with enough germs and illnesses and don’t need random strangers touching our children.)

This list could probably go on forever but I think I made my point. All in all I feel very special to be a mom of twins, it is so cool to see their bond. I am also a science nerd so having identical twins brings up the nature vs. nurture argument and I think it is fascinating. You get a lot of attention as a twin mom, I thought as they got older it would lessen but it has not. I don’t particularly like the attention but it comes with the territory. So when you see a twin mom, and are fascinated don’t do any of the above. Maybe try a new approach, something friendly and encouraging. I remember eating out one time and I looked over at an older couple. The women did not ask any questions but just said “Mine are 20 now, it gets easier” and smiled. Maybe as a fellow twin mom she knew just what to say and not say but it was so refreshing not to be interrupted by rude questions while we were trying to have dinner and on top of it she said something nice and reassuring which we don’t get a lot of. Being a mom in general is hard so use your time and energy to open the door for a person struggling to push a double stroller while hauling two diaper bags, say something kind or encouraging, refrain from asking personal questions, and just try not to be annoying and rude.

So to my fellow twin moms, I want to say great job, although being part of this “club” is hard…you are doing great. I hope people are kind to you and when they are not…just ignore them (they don’t understand and probably never will.) The choices you make are your own and you have the right to make them! Keep up the good work!

XOXO- Fellow twin mom

The common denominator

Obviously I have been doing a lot of self analyzing these past few months and I have come to a harsh realization that I think people suck in general. I mean I don’t know if everybody pretends to put on a show like they have perfect families, great friends and the best life ever but I don’t. I see a lot of people with this idealistic life which is literally the opposite of what I have and wonder how true to themselves they are being. Either they are full of shit, or I am the common denominator and I just suck as a family member, as a person, as a friend. This is my life in a nutshell:

-I have what people would consider a great career, but I am not fulfilling my life’s passion. At the end of the day, I go to a job because I am good at it and they pay me well.

-My marriage is a constant struggle, almost a daily battle not to go to the court house and run for freedom. I love my spouse very much but the stress of life has taken a serious toll on us, we are more like roommates that live with each other and tolerate each other because we have to.

-I have no real friends, I keep in touch with people from high school but we see each other maybe 2 times a year. I have park friends that I hang out with to try to establish some type of social circle for my children. I also have those people that we think are forever friends that turn out not to be, they move one, we change life paths and the truth is they never really cared too much anyway. I mean I get it, everybody has their own life, I think I am all in when it comes to trying to be a friend and other people just are not, I need to realize this and stop trying so hard.

-I have no help, like literally. I love when I tell people this and they say they feel the same but their mother in law, sister, aunt, etc. comes to babysit one time a week. I have no help, no family that comes to visit or people that want to take time out of their life to help me watch the kids for a minute so I can try to be a real person. I have one lovely family that watches the kids but I have to pay them for their services so it is more of a business arrangement. I guess I define help as giving up something, time or energy to help somebody with something without expecting something in return…yeah I don’t have that.

-My kids are very challenging. There are some days that are better than others but having two almost 3 year old toddler boys is SO hard. Here is your standard “I love them dearly, blah blah blah” and I do but it is a daily challenge. From the moment I wake up to the moment they go to sleep, I am fighting a constant battle about what clothes to wear, what food to eat, what toy they are going to fight over today, and the list goes on and on. I cant imagine my life without my boys but I do daydream of simpler times when I could lay on the couch until 10AM, eat a hot meal without somebody screaming or throwing their food on the floor, having ME time.

– I am tired, physically, mentally and emotionally every single day. The term that refers to the candle burning on both ends, that is how I feel. My day starts at 4:30AM with making breakfast, getting ready for work, getting the kids up, feeding them, getting them to daycare and trying to get to work on time and ends after I have had a stressful day at work, picked them up from daycare, cooking dinner, cleaning up dinner, baths, put them in their pajamas and put them down for bed. By this time, I am so exhausted I rarely stay up to watch TV or read or do anything human. Not to mention, keeping the house clean, laundry, paying bills, keeping up the yard, etc. and the list is never ending.

So, I am not a supermom or a super human being I am quite average just trying to get through everyday. I see other people with great family and great friends and I envy what they have as adolescent as that might be. We always dream of the perfect family, the life long friends, the perfect marriage, the beautiful years of raising our perfect kids but that is not what I have. So maybe this ideal life exists and I am the common denominator from preventing this perfect life for myself and my family or maybe it is bullshit and people just are not honest about the harsh realities they face in their daily lives. I choose to be honest, that is a common mistake I make. I wear my heart on my sleeve and give everything to everybody and maybe that is my mistake. Maybe I should start worrying about me and caring about me as much as I do about other people. Self love and acceptance is not easy for somebody like me but maybe I will star there. Who knows maybe one day I will not be the common denominator anymore.

XOXO- Lonely twin mom

Happy Thoughts

Today I am returning to work after an extended absence, mostly due to some serious health complications and I am struggling. Everybody is telling me not to worry that things will get better and to think happy thoughts but it is not working. I mean I really don’t have much to complain about, there are certain aspects of my job that I love but I just feel like it is time to move on and after having time off to put things in perspective…I have realized that I don’t want to be here anymore. I have enough money in the bank to leave but I just can’t find myself doing it. Like I said, there is a lot that I like and I am grateful for in my job but there is a lot of bad too. The bad is mostly things like gossip, working in a group of 3 Type A females (I am also type A but not the kind that likes to bulldoze people to make it higher on the corporate ladder.) After almost 8 years I do have a certain appreciation for the people I work with but for the most part, my work group has been in a downward spiral for a while now. When you have time off and serious things happen in your life it kind of puts things in perspective. I know what I need to do but I don’t have the courage to leave without having another job secured. My husband as well as a lot of people who know me well think it is better for me to just leave and not live with the stress but I guess I am afraid to fail my family. My mom struggled our entire life and I am so afraid of putting my kids in that same position. Don’t get me wrong, they are not spoiled at all but I like providing a nice home and a college fund for them, these were luxuries that I was not given as a child. I don’t think children need lots of expensive things or gadgets in fact I am totally against my children using I pads, phones or video games. We live a simple life but I want them to have a nice place to call home and a college account. I remember working my way through college and 15 years later…I am still paying off my debt. In my mind, I know we have to take risks in life to achieve greatness so why am I so afraid to leave without having something else lined up? If I told my husband that I quit today he would be so happy. I truly admire the people I see on IG starting their own businesses and living their life with passion instead of being tied to a job because of their fear of losing the money. I guess I am waiting for the perfect job to come knocking on my door and that is not happening. I thought the last company I interviewed with was going to be my next move but that did not end up working out. I cannot leave my current job for less money, I am good at what I do and have a certain level of expectation when it comes to salary. I wish I had the courage to venture out and do something that I am really passionate about but until that time comes I guess I will continue to try to think happy thoughts.

XOXO- Struggling twin mom

The Daycare struggle

For working moms the struggle of finding an affordable daycare where they know their kids are taken care of properly can be a struggle. The boys will be 3 in September and we have had 4 daycares. When I was pregnant my sister told me that her in laws own a daycare facility and they could give me a great rate ($600 a month for 2 kids) which is a phenomenal price! I was so excited that my daycare dilemma was over and went for a tour. I walked into the daycare and it looked OK but when I got to the infant room, things were definitely not up to my standards. I mean the daycare has a good reputation and it is an older facility but I saw 5 babies:

• One baby in a swing with spit up all over him, I am not sure how long he had been in that swing but the spit up was pretty dry so I am assuming awhile
• One baby in an exersaucer with pink eye (literally, I asked the two people attending the room if somebody had notified his parent and they said yes but he was busy working and could not pick him up) then the employee came with a dirty rag and cleaned around him and said it is OK it won’t spread if I clean then took that same rag and wiped down other things, eek!
• One baby wondering aimlessly on the floor playing with really dirty toys
• One baby being changed by an employee
• And the last baby also in a swing going to sleep

OK so I know that daycare centers are not perfect but this was just too much for me to handle. I literally started sobbing and had to leave immediately and I felt very bad because my sister arranged this meeting. I called her and told her that the boys were just to fragile to go there. Although they were 6 months old they were still very small and it was flu season so I just could not do it. She was very understanding but that left me with nowhere to take them. A co worker suggested an in home daycare and we went there and loved it. The lady was very smart and had a very clean home. She also cooked all organic meals and they did not serve any processed food. Winner! The boys went to this daycare for about a year. When we first met with the lady she told us verbatim “you only pay me for days that you come, I have plenty of backups so don’t ever worry about paying me for days you take off.” After leaving this daycare we realized what a great benefit this was and we were kind of ignorant as we did not pay her for any days off. To make a very long story short, she resented us for this and it came to a head one day. We took a trip to Cancun for Easter of 2014 and she just seemed very irritated so I asked her to tell me what was wrong and she blew up exclaiming that she could not find two kids to cover their spots the week of Easter and she was probably right but as new parents and new the daycare world, we did not know that we should pay her half or something to hold their spots we just did what we were told. In my defense I always paid her for holidays, even when she took off Friday so there was some give there but I don’t think she liked the arrangement that she made which is fine but she did not communicate openly about it and our relationship did not end very well you could say. I tried to mend it but she was mad. Sometimes I have regret for not knowing better and offering her half the money but I was really ignorant. I have seen her in the mall and few times and have tried to make eye contact but she walks right by. I wish she was not mad, I actually really liked her.

So then I am freaking out and something great happened, a life long friend of my mom’s who I adore let me know that she is starting an in home daycare. The boys went there for about 3 months when I got a phone call from her crying. At first I thought something was wrong with the kids but it was something else. I guess she rents her home and has a pool. The landlord found out that she was running a daycare and made her shut it down immediately. I understand in our sue happy society why the landlord did that especially with a pool. I was devastated as the boys really loved her and her two teenage daughters. Lucky for us we have kept in touch and they are really the only people we trust to babysit our kids. They even kept the boys for an overnight so hubby and I could celebrate our anniversary. I am going to a baby shower today and the girls are coming to babysit so score on finding great people but not on finding our daycare home.

So, we end up at an in home day care very close to my home (like a 5 minute walk) which is very nice and feel comfortable as she came highly recommended. After a few months, we knew that we were not happy but felt like we had nowhere else to go. They stayed at this provider for maybe under a year but I am so happy that they do not go there anymore. Don’t get me wrong, she cared for the boys and I think she is an OK person and I know they were not harmed (which is very scary and the worst thing that could happen) but I just did not like what I was getting. If you read my last post you will know that she was very open to me giving and giving and never gave anything in return which is OK but the other stuff was not. The kids would come home with poop in their diaper 75% of the time, they were always hungry and their clothes were always ruined. I had a hunch that they ate a lot of processed food and watched TV all day but there was really no way of knowing and my questions were usually dodged and the talk of an almost 3 year old is usually about 50% true. I mean yesterday Aiden told me that he was a minion so who knows. She decided she was going to get another job and then she started working nights and taking care of the kids during the day. Then things got worse, and I had it! She actually told me that she was going to close her daycare but wanted to keep the boys only if she could. I was flattered by the offer but knew that this was not the right fit so we began looking.

We found everything that we have been looking for, 2 years later. The boys are only about a month into the new in home daycare but I think it is our forever home. The woman that runs it has 2 employees and two entire rooms in her house dedicated to the daycare. It is really run like a pre school and you can see that when you do a tour. The boys ask on the weekends if they can go to “Casa Cece” which is what they call their new daycare. The owner and all of her employees are Spanish speaking (Spanish is my children’s primary language so this was important to us) and they adore the boys. I get a report everyday of what they ate and it is all good home cooked food and they are back to their 3 hour nap everyday which the last provider told me they were not napping anymore (likely because they were not active enough to become tired). When we leave it is like a 10 minute ordeal of the boys having to give hugs to everybody over and over again. I am told daily that my children are so well behaved, what they did for activates, etc. and I feel so happy.

I guess I am writing this because I know finding the right daycare is SO hard but there is hope and if you know it is not a good fit, take them out. I let them stay at the last one too long because I honestly did not make time to find a new one and I feel really guilty over this but I have to move forward knowing they are now in good hands. So if you are not 100% happy, keep looking, make the time because it is worth it when you find the right fit.

XOXO- Thankful twin mom

Givers and Takers

There are two kinds of people in this world, givers and takers. I unfortunately am a giver and sometimes I wish that I could change that. I would say that the majority of people are takers and I am tired of giving in a world of takers. I give almost to a fault even when people have taken advantage of my generosity I continue to give. I am sure that this has deeper rooted issues linked to my constant need for approval and love so maybe I give so that people will like me. Honestly, I like to give and it makes me feel very happy but it just frustrates me when I give and give and give and it is not reciprocated. I understand that we should give without expectation and I do with certain things like March of Dimes, Ronald McDonald house and other charities but it gets a little stickier when it is more on a personal level. Again, I know that I should not expect anything in return when I give it would just be so nice if people did something kind in return. A few examples of this would be when my former daycare provider asked me to pay her for a half day. Very long story short, I always pay a month in advance, my kids got 3 illnesses within a 2 month period and I kept them for a week for each illness to prevent other kids from getting sick. I also brought food weekly and always bought her kids gifts and a nice Christmas gift for the family. When her $5 sunglasses broke I gave her a pair of $300 Tiffany frames because I had an extra. Then I had a pre planned day off which we have to pay half for. My husband got called in to work overtime and we ended up having to take the kids on that day. When I arrived the first thing she said to me was, where is my other $25 dollars and I was dumbfounded. I mean I paid her full for 3 weeks that she did not watch the kids, I constantly gave to her and she could not just give a little. I mean it was only $25 dollars but it was just so disheartening that after all I did for her, she asked for the money. I guess I just live in a world of give and take and there was not give in this relationship, mostly if not all take. Another example, A “park friend” wanted to buy some things that I was selling on a local yard sale site, I took the items to her house and did not ask for any money. She also really liked one of my bags that I have so I went to the store and bought her one. She posted a little balance bike on Facebook, way overpriced and I asked her how much it was thinking that she would give me a discount and she responded with the price $70. I don’t know what I expected, maybe a small discount for all of the free stuff I gave her. And speaking of baby stuff, I gave everything away from a very expensive video monitor to swings, pumps, toys, bouncers, changing tables, etc. I mean everything and now that a couple of my friends are having kids I have asked some of the people I gave stuff to if they have anything they can give, maybe just a bag of clothes and NOTHING. I mean, I just don’t get it. I know that I need to give without expectation but why are people unwilling to give back? I have tried to stop giving and I can’t…I always find a way to continue to over give and I am trying to expect nothing in return but honestly I am having trouble with that too. So for those of you givers, thank you for being kind and for those of you takers, try to pay it forward…if somebody gives you something, give something back. What you give back does not have to have monetary value but maybe just a kind gesture. I guess my overall message is lets just try to be kinder to each other.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

XOXO- over giving twin mom

The truth about Motherhood

I have been saying that I want to write a book with the above listed title for awhile now. I really don’t think I am a strong enough writer to turn my thoughts into a book so I will talk about it here.

If you are one of these moms that has perfect children, thinks motherhood is the easiest and most beautiful thing in the world and you have a child that came out of you floating on clouds from your un-drugged body then STOP READING NOW! Also if your child was potty trained, sleeping in a toddler bed and could read at 12 months, you are also not the kind of person that should continue reading.

So, I want to talk about the truth, the good the bad and the ugly and the truth the motherhood is hard! Here is my DISCLAIMER: I love my children very much and cannot imagine my life with out them, keep that in mind as you read.

I really should not have to put a disclaimer that I love my children before I talk about the challenges of being a mom but unfortunately our society is full of mom shaming for people that say anything negative when it comes to their children or parenting. It is kind of like an unspoken thing that we as moms are no supposed to tell other moms that this is hard and we are struggling. Instead, we compete and brag about how great our children are. I think it is time for change…I think instead of competing against each other, we should group together and talk about our challenges and maybe even find like minded people who can help you through tough times or maybe even give a little perspective to help you in a time of need or unknowing.

So here it goes, being a mom is hard…probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. You literally have never experienced the emotions that you will experience as a mom, good and bad. I have never felt this level of love, frustration, anger, pride…and the list goes on. They told me about 100 times in the hospital that if I am ever very frustrated, walk away and leave a crying baby (in a safe place of course like their crib) and there is a reason. You will honestly get to a point of pure exhaustion/tiredness/frustration that you really cant take anymore and you need to walk away and gather yourself. For me, this was more common in the infant stage. Even today with toddlers, sometimes I pretend like a am pooping to get 5 minutes to myself but typically my 3 year olds come find me and ruin my few minutes of peace. It is ok to want time away from your kids, as a matter of fact I think it makes for a more healthy environment for everybody. Without help, we don’t take many date nights but me and my spouse are very supportive of each other going out with friends to have some time alone and I really encourage this. For the first year, I did not really leave the twins and I think this help contribute to my depression and loneliness.

There are many days that I have cried myself to sleep and just been so overwhelmed mentally, physically and emotionally. Sometimes on these days, our little ones will say something heartwarming like “I love you mommy” and you feel guilty for being so frustrated or yelling at them but that is life with kids. My husband helps a lot but another truth that nobody talks about is that moms do more. This is probably not applicable to single dads and some other people but for the most part, I feel like I do it all. Like I said, my husband does a lot but moms are like super people that balance it all. This is my day…wake up at 5AM, exercise for an hour, get ready for work, get the kids up, feed them, make sure they are fed and clean, take them to daycare, go to work, get off of work, go get the kids from daycare, bring the kids home, try to cook dinner and do laundry and clean the house while trying as hard as I can to keep the kids under control without just plopping them in front of the TV, clean up dishes, give the kids a bath, get them ready for bed, put them to bed.  I also care for them myself on Saturday as my husband works and the one day that my husband can get up and get them, he magically never hears them. I know he works outdoors in Arizona which is not easy and he only has one day off but I would just like ONE day that I don’t have to get the kids out of bed and I have recently brought this to his attention. Oh and on top of all of that, I do all the bills, keep track of all the bank and investment accounts, schedule all doctors appointments, grocery shop, ensure that the house is stocked with toilet paper, laundry detergent, etc. and the list goes on. For those single parents, I applaud you… I really don’t know how you do it because I have help and I still feel overwhelmed.

I think social media also perpetuates the image that motherhood is all beauty and no challenge. I am part of that statistic, I looked at my IG feed, out of 1119 posts I could find 6 pictures that could be called a more realistic image of motherhood…

So, lets talk more about the joys and the challenges and of being a mom. Let’s work with each other instead of competing against each other. Only other mothers can truly understand the array of emotions that we feel so let’s build a mommy army and start talking about the truth about motherhood.

XOXO- telling it like it is twin mom

It is possible!

I have been taking to this blog to talk about the difficulties of potty training twins and I have good new, it is possible! I am over the hurdle and feel awesome and SO proud of my little guys! I am not going to tell you that it is easy because that would be a lie, I am pretty sure the 2 weeks I stayed home with naked pooping toddlers I was pretty close to losing my shit and giving up. I honestly did not keep track but I think it has been 4 weeks and I can say that they are potty trained! They still wear diapers at night and Aiden does at nap time but during the day we are wearing underwear and have not had any accidents in awhile. I never thought I would feel so proud of getting a kid to take a dump in the toilet but I do. I guess this is their first major accomplishment and I am a proud mommy. They are both doing well, when we are at home they just go buy themselves and out in public they let us know. If we are doing something that captures their attention for a long amount of time, we always have them go potty to avoid distraction accidents. I honestly never thought I would be the mom talking about poop publically but here I am. So, as always I will share my advice, take it or leave it but I want to share what helped us.

• Don’t start too early, make sure they are ready. This is hard as I think there is a societal norm to have a 2 year old potty trained. I remember going to my pediatrician at their 2 year check up and letting him know that I was going to start potty training and he literally laughed at me. I was super bummed because I thought 2 was the magic age but he shared that boys should not even try before 2.5 and he would suggest waiting until 3. I remember being super bummed and thinking that I was going to defy the odds, I am glad I listened and did not try when they were younger.
• Ignore the noise, like I said there is a social norm of a child being potty trained by 3 and I even thought the same thing before I had kids but do what is right for you and your child, don’t listen to what other people say is “normal.”
• Introduce the child to the potty before trying to do it cold turkey. For about 3 months before I really buckled down on the potty training I would put underwear on the boys about an hour before bed time and ask them to sit on the potty. Sometimes they would go and sometimes they would not but at least the concept was not 100% foreign.
• Buy the small potty, I know it is gross! I swore that I would NEVER use one of those small potties and actually installed a child potty rim on the regular toilet and bought a step stool. When I put the boys onto the “regular” potty they would scream bloody murder and I had no idea why. My pediatrician explained that they are scared of it, it is big and noisy and it is harder for them to go to the potty with their feet off the floor so buy the gross little potty that you have to clean yourself then transition them when ready.
• Buy a cool potty. I bought a Thomas the Train and Cars potty, both of which make a “cool” sound when you go to the bathroom. The boys think their potty is cool and therefore are more willing to go and get rewarded when Thomas makes a “choo choo.”
• Buy cool underwear, I had some underwear from when I thought I was going to potty train them at 2 years old but they were simple solid colors. I went to target and let each child pick out 2 packages of underwear. They both picked Thomas the train and Planes but they take so much pride in wearing their favorite character and I think that helps to avoid accidents.
• The 3 day method is bullshit, period.
• I am a working mom and was lucky enough to be able to have time off to spend time at home. I think the best method is staying in the house naked for at least a week, this is just what worked for us.
• Reward them! I don’t like my children eating a lot of sugar but sometimes you have to make certain compromises. In this case, I bought the little M&Ms…they are tiny and for the first 2 weeks they got one candy every time they went potty. I tried stickers first but they were not motivated by those. Find what motivates your child and reward them.
• Make it a big deal. Every time the boys went to the bathroom in the appropriate place, I made sure to act like they did something grand. We high fived and made a big deal and they started to feel proud every time. They even started congratulating each other which was really cute.
• Try not to get frustrated. OK, this is much easier said than done but there will be accidents and try to keep your cool, they are learning and I tried to always keep that in mind no matter how frustrated I got. Maybe have a glass of wine on hand to help you keep your cool!
• Buy a travel potty, best thing ever! This is a little potty that is small enough to go in the diaper bag and is great when you are on the road or not at home.
• Ignore other people, I am not good at this and had an incident where I went crazy mom lady on somebody that made a comment to us at the mall. If your little one has to go potty, bust out the travel potty in the mall. People will say rude things, ignore them…they are stupid. A two year old going pee in a plastic potty should not offend anybody and if it does, they are idiots.
• Don’t give in. I think this is the biggest one. I was SO tempted to throw a diaper on them when we went into public because it would have made my life SO much easier but I did not. If you put a diaper on them, then you cannot expect them to be fully committed to potty training. The same for a pull up, it feels like a diaper to them and they will go back to their old habits. My husband was the one that told me not do to it when I was really tempted. YES, easy for him to say when he called from work, whatever! But he was right and I feel like if I would have caved, we would have lost a lot of valuable progress.
• Remember that it will happen and you will get there. I thought it was a hopeless cause and was at my wits end but being on the other end of it makes me so happy and proud!

Yesterday we had a normal day. In the morning we went to the Air and Space museum with some friends, came home to nap and went to the movie theatre in the evening. They went the entire movie without having to go potty and no accidents!

Enough about potty training, hope this helps somebody.

XOXO- Feeling accomplished twin mom