Obviously I have been doing a lot of self analyzing these past few months and I have come to a harsh realization that I think people suck in general. I mean I don’t know if everybody pretends to put on a show like they have perfect families, great friends and the best life ever but I don’t. I see a lot of people with this idealistic life which is literally the opposite of what I have and wonder how true to themselves they are being. Either they are full of shit, or I am the common denominator and I just suck as a family member, as a person, as a friend. This is my life in a nutshell:
-I have what people would consider a great career, but I am not fulfilling my life’s passion. At the end of the day, I go to a job because I am good at it and they pay me well.
-My marriage is a constant struggle, almost a daily battle not to go to the court house and run for freedom. I love my spouse very much but the stress of life has taken a serious toll on us, we are more like roommates that live with each other and tolerate each other because we have to.
-I have no real friends, I keep in touch with people from high school but we see each other maybe 2 times a year. I have park friends that I hang out with to try to establish some type of social circle for my children. I also have those people that we think are forever friends that turn out not to be, they move one, we change life paths and the truth is they never really cared too much anyway. I mean I get it, everybody has their own life, I think I am all in when it comes to trying to be a friend and other people just are not, I need to realize this and stop trying so hard.
-I have no help, like literally. I love when I tell people this and they say they feel the same but their mother in law, sister, aunt, etc. comes to babysit one time a week. I have no help, no family that comes to visit or people that want to take time out of their life to help me watch the kids for a minute so I can try to be a real person. I have one lovely family that watches the kids but I have to pay them for their services so it is more of a business arrangement. I guess I define help as giving up something, time or energy to help somebody with something without expecting something in return…yeah I don’t have that.
-My kids are very challenging. There are some days that are better than others but having two almost 3 year old toddler boys is SO hard. Here is your standard “I love them dearly, blah blah blah” and I do but it is a daily challenge. From the moment I wake up to the moment they go to sleep, I am fighting a constant battle about what clothes to wear, what food to eat, what toy they are going to fight over today, and the list goes on and on. I cant imagine my life without my boys but I do daydream of simpler times when I could lay on the couch until 10AM, eat a hot meal without somebody screaming or throwing their food on the floor, having ME time.
– I am tired, physically, mentally and emotionally every single day. The term that refers to the candle burning on both ends, that is how I feel. My day starts at 4:30AM with making breakfast, getting ready for work, getting the kids up, feeding them, getting them to daycare and trying to get to work on time and ends after I have had a stressful day at work, picked them up from daycare, cooking dinner, cleaning up dinner, baths, put them in their pajamas and put them down for bed. By this time, I am so exhausted I rarely stay up to watch TV or read or do anything human. Not to mention, keeping the house clean, laundry, paying bills, keeping up the yard, etc. and the list is never ending.
So, I am not a supermom or a super human being I am quite average just trying to get through everyday. I see other people with great family and great friends and I envy what they have as adolescent as that might be. We always dream of the perfect family, the life long friends, the perfect marriage, the beautiful years of raising our perfect kids but that is not what I have. So maybe this ideal life exists and I am the common denominator from preventing this perfect life for myself and my family or maybe it is bullshit and people just are not honest about the harsh realities they face in their daily lives. I choose to be honest, that is a common mistake I make. I wear my heart on my sleeve and give everything to everybody and maybe that is my mistake. Maybe I should start worrying about me and caring about me as much as I do about other people. Self love and acceptance is not easy for somebody like me but maybe I will star there. Who knows maybe one day I will not be the common denominator anymore.
XOXO- Lonely twin mom