It really starts this early?

The day I decided to have kids I knew that I wanted them to be involved in sports. Not in the really pushy parent way but I just wanted to them have the option to be involved in a sport that makes them happy, their choice. When I grew up my parents could not afford things like dance, soccer or any of the other things that we wanted to be a part of and I get it…it is expensive and my mom had 4 of us.

When I had the opportunity to involve my children in soccer, one of my favorite sports I jumped at the opportunity of starting them at a young age. Most leagues require players to be at least 4 years of old but this new league on my side of town (bonus because I live in the sticks) is offering a league for 3 and older. I was so excited, I mean I don’t really know if the boys like soccer but we kick around the ball at the park and they seem to enjoy it. I registered the boys and went a little crazy with supplies: shin guards, cleats, shorts, jerseys, socks, soccer balls, etc. Then the first practice came and it was hectic to say the least. Practice starts at 5 (which is not really convenient for working mothers) but I managed to wrangle both kids into all of their gear (I mean do 3 years old really need shin guards???) and get them to practice by 5:05, not bad…right? WRONG! You would have thought I was the worst human being on earth from the daggers shooting out of the eyeballs of the other mothers. You would have thought they were playing a world cup game and I had Messi himself and was late to the starting kickoff. Anyway, nobody spoke to me other than the comments I heard under their breath. I truly don’t know what I did to these women, by the way the male coaches seem to like me just fine but I am the odd mom out. I mean I was dressed in a black suit because I just rushed home from work and did not even have time to go to the restroom let alone change. I don’t know if they were intimidated or mad because I work or maybe they were just mad that I was 5 minutes late. The practice was one of the hardest things to get through as my kids are much younger and smaller than the kids on their team, again I am the asshole parent trying to chase them around. Then snack time comes and what is it…soda and chips! Um, my kids rarely eat chips and have never had soda in their life so again I am the asshole that does not let my kids have those things and they throw the double trouble tantrum because all of the other kids get to eat those things and mine don’t. So second practice, same thing, rude glares, comments except my then husband was there and they were peachy and sweet to him. By the way the stress of that entire day is what eventually led to him moving out but anyway, 2 minutes late so an improvement. Kids interacted a little more so that was good but all in all it was pretty stressful. Both kids had to poop in the middle of practice so I am over there with their “emergency potty” trying to clean up poop while being attacked by flies and still in my work clothes and dripping sweat but oh well. Oh and did I mention that my kids primary language is Spanish and when we are at soccer practice I speak English so other people do not think I am rude but when I am having private conversations we speak in Spanish so hearing derogatory comments about living in America and speaking English are really offensive. To be honest, I am Republican and not the liberal person they think I am but I know that speaking Spanish not only makes their brain grow but will give them opportunities for jobs and many other things in the future. I guess my point is, stop judging me. Snack time was the same except this time it was candy and juice boxes, neither of which my kids are allowed to have. I know I am strict but I grew up overweight and very unhealthy and want to give my kids the best health that I can. They get treats, they eat ice cream but I don’t need to overload them with sugar. If that is your parenting choice, OK that is fine but please respect mine. So today was game day, I no longer have a husband so it was all me which is overwhelming but I am so proud of them. Because game day is doing more of just running around and kicking the ball, they had fun and did great. I heard mommy gossip and sat by myself while the other moms made comments to each other but you know what that is OK. I mean it is not ok but I don’t care, if you are miserable enough to talk about other people, I feel sorry for you. I feel bad because this is supposed to be something fun and my kids are so young but this is giving me a sneak peak into how things will be when they get older. I thought to myself as they made me feel like an ass hole, maybe if you knew that I struggle with depression…you would be kind.

Maybe if you knew that my husband just left me and I am trying to take care of these kids by myself you would be kind.

Maybe if you knew that one of my close friend just died of cancer, maybe you would be kind.

Maybe if you knew that my best friend just put her dog down this morning and that dog had a huge part of my heart, maybe you would be kind

Maybe if you knew that my job was so stressful that I have been throwing up everyday at work, you would be kind.

Maybe if you knew that I am struggling with serious health problems, maybe you would be kind.

I know I am not the only one that has these battles but I really try to be kind to people and I wish so badly other people would do the same. So I am going to ignore these people, enjoy watching my kids run around like uncaged animals and just be me because that is all I can do and if it starts this early I better start having that attitude now.

XOXO- Struggling twin mom but proud of my soccer studs

Let them be little

As far as parenting goes, we all have our own philosophy and try to do the best that we can for our children.  I think we are all guilty of judging other parenting styles but we all know what is best for our own children. For me personally my philosophy is to let them be little. This is actually a pretty loaded statement in a world full of technology, television, IPods, video games and smart phones to let your child live the life of a child. To me, this means that I have to be actively engaged with my children each and every single day. We are working parents and there are days that I want to throw in the towel and not physically, emotionally and mentally engage with the kids but it is so important. Don’t get me wrong, there are days that the kids watch a movie and my husband and I sit on the couch enjoying the silence and ability to sit on the couch. These days are few and far between for us because we want our kids to be engaged in the world, have fun, love nature and learn new things. Some of our favorite activities include going to the zoo, visiting the airplane museum, puzzles, coloring, playing outside, building forts, swimming and going to the park. I know that we do a good job of keeping the kids active and busy doing fun things but the other day we did some crafts and it really hit home how important it is to engage your kids in meaningful activity. I made little picture frames out of popsicle sticks and glued on wood letters spelling out the names of people and things that they like. I gave them some paint brushes and some paint and it was magical. I have never seen the boys so engaged in an activity and so proud of their work (even though with the mixing of all of the colors it looked like vomit to me) they thought their art was fabulous. Ethan was so focused at one point that he was sticking out his tongue with deep concentration. Our painting activity had to end because of bath time but I think they could have gone for hours. Last night my husband went to the store after work and did not give me very much information as to where he was going so I thought maybe he was buying me flowers or something. He comes home with a bag full of clothespins, popsicle sticks, paint, stickers and other crafts. I was in awe that my husband went to the craft store and actually found the craft aisles and bought things. This is not in my husbands nature AT ALL so when I asked him why he did this he said that he wanted to start craft night because the kids had so much fun. It really warmed my heart that my husband bought crafts but this just goes to show that letting them be little and giving them fun engaging activates is a win/win for everybody. I understand that giving the kids an iPad or throwing them in front of the TV would probably make my life easier but to me it is not worth it. As soon as they hit school age they will be inundated with technology so while I can do it, I am going to let them have fun and do things that kids are supposed to do. Oh and did I mention that these kind of activities actually engage their brain and make them smarter. I know a have not done everything right in my parenting but I let them be little and that I know I am doing right!

XOXO- Crafty twin mom

Trying to control your feelings in an emotional world

I have always embraced being am emotional person but have come to the realization that our emotions control us and can stand in the way of us moving forward in certain aspects of our life. My feelings have let family, friends and co-workers treat me poorly because of this my fear that if I say how I feel they will hurt my feelings. I know that I need to learn to control my feelings to be my best self and get to where I need to be. I took the following excerpt from a phenomenal video about this topic. If you need a little motivation this will definitely help. These 6 minutes can really make you think of things differently. So, I am a work in progress but for the time being I am going to try to follow what this video is saying because it speaks a lot of truth.

“At the end of your feelings is nothing,
But at the end of every principles is a promise
Behind your little feelings, it might not be absolutely nothing at the end of your little feelings
But behind every principles is a promise
And some of you in your life
The reason why you are not in your goal right now, because you just all about your feelings
All on your feelings, you don’t feel like waking up, so who does?

Everyday you say ‘no’ to your dreams,
You might be pushing your dreams back a whole six months, a whole year!
That one single day, that one day you didn’t get up could have pushed your stuff back I don’t know how long

Don’t allow your emotion to control you
We are emotional but we wanna begin to discipline your emotion
If you don’t discipline and contain your emotion, they will use you

You want it and you’re going to go all out to have it
Its not going to be easy, when you want to change
Its not easy. If it were in fact easy, everybody would do it
But if you’re serious, you’ll go all out”

XOXO- Need to make some changes twin mom

Insight from a twin mom

Being a mom of twins is something unique, something indescribably amazing and challenging and something that a lot of people do not understand.

I am not a scientist but let me try to break this down because there are a lot of misconceptions when it comes to twins. The most common types of twins are:

monozygotic- This means that the twins are identical, they are the product of one fertilized egg splitting and making two babies. In essence, these babies share the same DNA and will be the same gender, have the same hair color and eye color, etc. This does not mean that they are EXACTLY the same which is a common misconception. These twins will share a placenta in utero.

dizygotic- This means that two eggs were fertilized and therefore there are two babies in the same pregnancy. These twins do not share the same DNA and can be different genders, have different skin color, eye color, hair color, etc. They also do not share a placenta like identical twins.

There are also mono-mono meaning they share the same sac and placenta, this is very high risk and often results in conjoined twins. This is the most rare and dangerous form of twin pregnancy.

So my boys are Mono-Di meaning that they are identical. They shared a placenta but had their own sac. They also did not share the placenta evenly which is why this twin pregnancy is considered high risk.

Fraternal twins are genetic meaning that they may run in your family. Many women that go through infertility and have in-vitro fertilization have fraternal twins. This DOES NOT mean that everybody with fraternal twins had reproductive assistance.

Identical twins are spontaneous meaning there is truly no rhyme or reason that the egg split, I thing God must have a sense of humor because he gave me identical twins.

OK so now that this is cleared up… I mean I really did not know specifics before I had twins but you would be amazed by the stupid questions that people ask. Some of the more memorable ones are below along with my answers:

-Are they twins (um yeah, I think it is pretty obvious)

-Are they natural? (so this is deeply personal and should never be asked by a stranger but yes they were conceived the good old fashion way and it really is none of your business)

-Are you sure they are identical, they don’t look EXACTLY alike. (This one really makes me roll my eyes. Identical twins does not mean they are a replica of each other. There are many factors that can make them different. When they are in the womb, things can happen that effect their physical attributes. For example, one of twins is bigger and has always been because he had more of the placenta. Birth marks can occur on one and not the other. Their position in utero can make different head shapes. One of my guys wears glasses and the other one does not. So they do look similar, a lot of people can’t tell them apart but they are not the exact same.) Oh and it is science that makes them identical not how much they look alike. Yes identical twins should look similar but not the same.

-Can you tell them apart? (Yes, I am not an idiot, they are two different people that look different to me and have completely different personalities. I have heard of twin moms that cannot tell their children apart, and I don’t mean as newborns and I think they are intellectually challenged because they would have to be really stupid not to be able to tell their 3 year olds apart.)

-Did you try to have twins? (There is no magic potion that you  can drink to have twins, I make babies just like everybody else, it is not rocket science. I have literally been asked if I used a certain sexual positions to “make twins” WOW, that is the stupidest question I have ever heard and you are an idiot for asking.)

-Which one do you love more? (Whichever one is pissing me off the least that day)

-Is it hard? (Really? I mean do people think the babies take care of each other?)

-Can they read each others mind? (I think they have a special and indescribable bond but no they are not aliens or super human…they are just normal kids.)

So on top of stupid questions, we also get stupid comments like these:

-I had kids similar in age, I think that is harder (nope, I doubt it…shut up or run because I might punch you.)

-Having twins is probably easier (please see response above.)

-I have 3 kids so twins are nothing (again please see response from the first one.)

-Too bad you did not get a boy and a girl (um, I am quite happy with two boys but thanks for sharing your opinion about what the ideal family looks like to you.)

-You should not be so strict about their schedule (I like my sleep and having as much control as I can so it is my choice to keep them on a schedule.)

-You should or should not dress them alike (My kids, my choice, shut up.)

-Can I touch them, I think twins have special powers (Please don’t touch my child, we deal with enough germs and illnesses and don’t need random strangers touching our children.)

This list could probably go on forever but I think I made my point. All in all I feel very special to be a mom of twins, it is so cool to see their bond. I am also a science nerd so having identical twins brings up the nature vs. nurture argument and I think it is fascinating. You get a lot of attention as a twin mom, I thought as they got older it would lessen but it has not. I don’t particularly like the attention but it comes with the territory. So when you see a twin mom, and are fascinated don’t do any of the above. Maybe try a new approach, something friendly and encouraging. I remember eating out one time and I looked over at an older couple. The women did not ask any questions but just said “Mine are 20 now, it gets easier” and smiled. Maybe as a fellow twin mom she knew just what to say and not say but it was so refreshing not to be interrupted by rude questions while we were trying to have dinner and on top of it she said something nice and reassuring which we don’t get a lot of. Being a mom in general is hard so use your time and energy to open the door for a person struggling to push a double stroller while hauling two diaper bags, say something kind or encouraging, refrain from asking personal questions, and just try not to be annoying and rude.

So to my fellow twin moms, I want to say great job, although being part of this “club” is hard…you are doing great. I hope people are kind to you and when they are not…just ignore them (they don’t understand and probably never will.) The choices you make are your own and you have the right to make them! Keep up the good work!

XOXO- Fellow twin mom

The Daycare struggle

For working moms the struggle of finding an affordable daycare where they know their kids are taken care of properly can be a struggle. The boys will be 3 in September and we have had 4 daycares. When I was pregnant my sister told me that her in laws own a daycare facility and they could give me a great rate ($600 a month for 2 kids) which is a phenomenal price! I was so excited that my daycare dilemma was over and went for a tour. I walked into the daycare and it looked OK but when I got to the infant room, things were definitely not up to my standards. I mean the daycare has a good reputation and it is an older facility but I saw 5 babies:

• One baby in a swing with spit up all over him, I am not sure how long he had been in that swing but the spit up was pretty dry so I am assuming awhile
• One baby in an exersaucer with pink eye (literally, I asked the two people attending the room if somebody had notified his parent and they said yes but he was busy working and could not pick him up) then the employee came with a dirty rag and cleaned around him and said it is OK it won’t spread if I clean then took that same rag and wiped down other things, eek!
• One baby wondering aimlessly on the floor playing with really dirty toys
• One baby being changed by an employee
• And the last baby also in a swing going to sleep

OK so I know that daycare centers are not perfect but this was just too much for me to handle. I literally started sobbing and had to leave immediately and I felt very bad because my sister arranged this meeting. I called her and told her that the boys were just to fragile to go there. Although they were 6 months old they were still very small and it was flu season so I just could not do it. She was very understanding but that left me with nowhere to take them. A co worker suggested an in home daycare and we went there and loved it. The lady was very smart and had a very clean home. She also cooked all organic meals and they did not serve any processed food. Winner! The boys went to this daycare for about a year. When we first met with the lady she told us verbatim “you only pay me for days that you come, I have plenty of backups so don’t ever worry about paying me for days you take off.” After leaving this daycare we realized what a great benefit this was and we were kind of ignorant as we did not pay her for any days off. To make a very long story short, she resented us for this and it came to a head one day. We took a trip to Cancun for Easter of 2014 and she just seemed very irritated so I asked her to tell me what was wrong and she blew up exclaiming that she could not find two kids to cover their spots the week of Easter and she was probably right but as new parents and new the daycare world, we did not know that we should pay her half or something to hold their spots we just did what we were told. In my defense I always paid her for holidays, even when she took off Friday so there was some give there but I don’t think she liked the arrangement that she made which is fine but she did not communicate openly about it and our relationship did not end very well you could say. I tried to mend it but she was mad. Sometimes I have regret for not knowing better and offering her half the money but I was really ignorant. I have seen her in the mall and few times and have tried to make eye contact but she walks right by. I wish she was not mad, I actually really liked her.

So then I am freaking out and something great happened, a life long friend of my mom’s who I adore let me know that she is starting an in home daycare. The boys went there for about 3 months when I got a phone call from her crying. At first I thought something was wrong with the kids but it was something else. I guess she rents her home and has a pool. The landlord found out that she was running a daycare and made her shut it down immediately. I understand in our sue happy society why the landlord did that especially with a pool. I was devastated as the boys really loved her and her two teenage daughters. Lucky for us we have kept in touch and they are really the only people we trust to babysit our kids. They even kept the boys for an overnight so hubby and I could celebrate our anniversary. I am going to a baby shower today and the girls are coming to babysit so score on finding great people but not on finding our daycare home.

So, we end up at an in home day care very close to my home (like a 5 minute walk) which is very nice and feel comfortable as she came highly recommended. After a few months, we knew that we were not happy but felt like we had nowhere else to go. They stayed at this provider for maybe under a year but I am so happy that they do not go there anymore. Don’t get me wrong, she cared for the boys and I think she is an OK person and I know they were not harmed (which is very scary and the worst thing that could happen) but I just did not like what I was getting. If you read my last post you will know that she was very open to me giving and giving and never gave anything in return which is OK but the other stuff was not. The kids would come home with poop in their diaper 75% of the time, they were always hungry and their clothes were always ruined. I had a hunch that they ate a lot of processed food and watched TV all day but there was really no way of knowing and my questions were usually dodged and the talk of an almost 3 year old is usually about 50% true. I mean yesterday Aiden told me that he was a minion so who knows. She decided she was going to get another job and then she started working nights and taking care of the kids during the day. Then things got worse, and I had it! She actually told me that she was going to close her daycare but wanted to keep the boys only if she could. I was flattered by the offer but knew that this was not the right fit so we began looking.

We found everything that we have been looking for, 2 years later. The boys are only about a month into the new in home daycare but I think it is our forever home. The woman that runs it has 2 employees and two entire rooms in her house dedicated to the daycare. It is really run like a pre school and you can see that when you do a tour. The boys ask on the weekends if they can go to “Casa Cece” which is what they call their new daycare. The owner and all of her employees are Spanish speaking (Spanish is my children’s primary language so this was important to us) and they adore the boys. I get a report everyday of what they ate and it is all good home cooked food and they are back to their 3 hour nap everyday which the last provider told me they were not napping anymore (likely because they were not active enough to become tired). When we leave it is like a 10 minute ordeal of the boys having to give hugs to everybody over and over again. I am told daily that my children are so well behaved, what they did for activates, etc. and I feel so happy.

I guess I am writing this because I know finding the right daycare is SO hard but there is hope and if you know it is not a good fit, take them out. I let them stay at the last one too long because I honestly did not make time to find a new one and I feel really guilty over this but I have to move forward knowing they are now in good hands. So if you are not 100% happy, keep looking, make the time because it is worth it when you find the right fit.

XOXO- Thankful twin mom

Givers and Takers

There are two kinds of people in this world, givers and takers. I unfortunately am a giver and sometimes I wish that I could change that. I would say that the majority of people are takers and I am tired of giving in a world of takers. I give almost to a fault even when people have taken advantage of my generosity I continue to give. I am sure that this has deeper rooted issues linked to my constant need for approval and love so maybe I give so that people will like me. Honestly, I like to give and it makes me feel very happy but it just frustrates me when I give and give and give and it is not reciprocated. I understand that we should give without expectation and I do with certain things like March of Dimes, Ronald McDonald house and other charities but it gets a little stickier when it is more on a personal level. Again, I know that I should not expect anything in return when I give it would just be so nice if people did something kind in return. A few examples of this would be when my former daycare provider asked me to pay her for a half day. Very long story short, I always pay a month in advance, my kids got 3 illnesses within a 2 month period and I kept them for a week for each illness to prevent other kids from getting sick. I also brought food weekly and always bought her kids gifts and a nice Christmas gift for the family. When her $5 sunglasses broke I gave her a pair of $300 Tiffany frames because I had an extra. Then I had a pre planned day off which we have to pay half for. My husband got called in to work overtime and we ended up having to take the kids on that day. When I arrived the first thing she said to me was, where is my other $25 dollars and I was dumbfounded. I mean I paid her full for 3 weeks that she did not watch the kids, I constantly gave to her and she could not just give a little. I mean it was only $25 dollars but it was just so disheartening that after all I did for her, she asked for the money. I guess I just live in a world of give and take and there was not give in this relationship, mostly if not all take. Another example, A “park friend” wanted to buy some things that I was selling on a local yard sale site, I took the items to her house and did not ask for any money. She also really liked one of my bags that I have so I went to the store and bought her one. She posted a little balance bike on Facebook, way overpriced and I asked her how much it was thinking that she would give me a discount and she responded with the price $70. I don’t know what I expected, maybe a small discount for all of the free stuff I gave her. And speaking of baby stuff, I gave everything away from a very expensive video monitor to swings, pumps, toys, bouncers, changing tables, etc. I mean everything and now that a couple of my friends are having kids I have asked some of the people I gave stuff to if they have anything they can give, maybe just a bag of clothes and NOTHING. I mean, I just don’t get it. I know that I need to give without expectation but why are people unwilling to give back? I have tried to stop giving and I can’t…I always find a way to continue to over give and I am trying to expect nothing in return but honestly I am having trouble with that too. So for those of you givers, thank you for being kind and for those of you takers, try to pay it forward…if somebody gives you something, give something back. What you give back does not have to have monetary value but maybe just a kind gesture. I guess my overall message is lets just try to be kinder to each other.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

XOXO- over giving twin mom

The truth about Motherhood

I have been saying that I want to write a book with the above listed title for awhile now. I really don’t think I am a strong enough writer to turn my thoughts into a book so I will talk about it here.

If you are one of these moms that has perfect children, thinks motherhood is the easiest and most beautiful thing in the world and you have a child that came out of you floating on clouds from your un-drugged body then STOP READING NOW! Also if your child was potty trained, sleeping in a toddler bed and could read at 12 months, you are also not the kind of person that should continue reading.

So, I want to talk about the truth, the good the bad and the ugly and the truth the motherhood is hard! Here is my DISCLAIMER: I love my children very much and cannot imagine my life with out them, keep that in mind as you read.

I really should not have to put a disclaimer that I love my children before I talk about the challenges of being a mom but unfortunately our society is full of mom shaming for people that say anything negative when it comes to their children or parenting. It is kind of like an unspoken thing that we as moms are no supposed to tell other moms that this is hard and we are struggling. Instead, we compete and brag about how great our children are. I think it is time for change…I think instead of competing against each other, we should group together and talk about our challenges and maybe even find like minded people who can help you through tough times or maybe even give a little perspective to help you in a time of need or unknowing.

So here it goes, being a mom is hard…probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. You literally have never experienced the emotions that you will experience as a mom, good and bad. I have never felt this level of love, frustration, anger, pride…and the list goes on. They told me about 100 times in the hospital that if I am ever very frustrated, walk away and leave a crying baby (in a safe place of course like their crib) and there is a reason. You will honestly get to a point of pure exhaustion/tiredness/frustration that you really cant take anymore and you need to walk away and gather yourself. For me, this was more common in the infant stage. Even today with toddlers, sometimes I pretend like a am pooping to get 5 minutes to myself but typically my 3 year olds come find me and ruin my few minutes of peace. It is ok to want time away from your kids, as a matter of fact I think it makes for a more healthy environment for everybody. Without help, we don’t take many date nights but me and my spouse are very supportive of each other going out with friends to have some time alone and I really encourage this. For the first year, I did not really leave the twins and I think this help contribute to my depression and loneliness.

There are many days that I have cried myself to sleep and just been so overwhelmed mentally, physically and emotionally. Sometimes on these days, our little ones will say something heartwarming like “I love you mommy” and you feel guilty for being so frustrated or yelling at them but that is life with kids. My husband helps a lot but another truth that nobody talks about is that moms do more. This is probably not applicable to single dads and some other people but for the most part, I feel like I do it all. Like I said, my husband does a lot but moms are like super people that balance it all. This is my day…wake up at 5AM, exercise for an hour, get ready for work, get the kids up, feed them, make sure they are fed and clean, take them to daycare, go to work, get off of work, go get the kids from daycare, bring the kids home, try to cook dinner and do laundry and clean the house while trying as hard as I can to keep the kids under control without just plopping them in front of the TV, clean up dishes, give the kids a bath, get them ready for bed, put them to bed.  I also care for them myself on Saturday as my husband works and the one day that my husband can get up and get them, he magically never hears them. I know he works outdoors in Arizona which is not easy and he only has one day off but I would just like ONE day that I don’t have to get the kids out of bed and I have recently brought this to his attention. Oh and on top of all of that, I do all the bills, keep track of all the bank and investment accounts, schedule all doctors appointments, grocery shop, ensure that the house is stocked with toilet paper, laundry detergent, etc. and the list goes on. For those single parents, I applaud you… I really don’t know how you do it because I have help and I still feel overwhelmed.

I think social media also perpetuates the image that motherhood is all beauty and no challenge. I am part of that statistic, I looked at my IG feed, out of 1119 posts I could find 6 pictures that could be called a more realistic image of motherhood…

So, lets talk more about the joys and the challenges and of being a mom. Let’s work with each other instead of competing against each other. Only other mothers can truly understand the array of emotions that we feel so let’s build a mommy army and start talking about the truth about motherhood.

XOXO- telling it like it is twin mom

The twin bond

I have siblings, two sisters and a brother. At the current time I don’t speak to them but there have been times in my life that I have felt very connected to them. Having twins is amazing because you get to see one of the rarest and most intense human bonds. Yes they are siblings and have that bond but they have something special… Something indescribable. When they were younger, I saw a glimpse of it here and there but now that they are getting older I see more of this. It is like there are two halves that make a whole. It is no wonder scientists study twins, particularly identical twins because technically they are from the same egg which means they have the same DNA and they grow up in the same environment so how can they be SO different? This question has stumped scientists and those people that study nature vs nurture for decades. I am lucky that I am a spectator in this magical thing called the twin bond.

  
  
  
  

Trauma, not the kind from Grey’s Anatomy

trauma:

noun

1. a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

2.physical injury.

When I think about Trauma, the first thing that comes to mind is the scenes from Grey’s Anatomy of people being wheeled into the ER with gaping physical injuries (definition 2 above). I have luckily never had an severe physical trauma. On the other side of the coin, I have dealt with a deeply distressing experience (definition 1). Before I went through emotional trauma I really knew nothing about it.

So why have I chosen today to talk about this. Well lets go back to my trauma. I have shared briefly about the early birth of my twins but here are more specific details. Ethan and Aiden both entered the world early and small. Ethan was the larger of the boys and we did not expect any health complications from him. Within 24 hours both of his lungs collapsed and he was on 100 life support. Ethan could not eat and was full of tubes and IVs in every part of his little body. He was sedated on morphine because he was in so much pain and they could not risk him waking up and pulling on a tube. Just talking about this in detail takes me back to that time, that very very dark and scary time. I remember staying awake all night and waiting for that red phone to ring. That phone and its red light haunt me to this day. The doctors did tell us that our little Ethan may not make it, they were very honest about this. I remember the worst day, My husband and I were sitting in the room and it was very early in the morning and one of the neonatal doctor walked in the room and told us that he needed to talk to us. We looked at each other and thought that this was the time Dr. Lopez was going to tell us that Ethan did not make it through the night. I cannot describe in words the way that I felt at the moment, it was probably one of the worst moments of my life. Thank God Dr. Lopez was coming in to get a signature from us to put an IV in his belly button that would supply him with nutrition and wanted to talk to us personally about the possible complications. We agreed and the line was put in. We were the lucky ones, we got to bring our babies home and they are healthy and happy little boys but that trauma seems to haunt me even 3 years later.

I don’t love Ethan anymore than Aiden but because what Ethan went through, when he is sick or something is wrong with him I quickly go back to that hospital bed with that red light. This is called PTSD and I now understand it and that it is part of my life.
After our Staycation Ethan was having trouble keeping his eyes open and it was worsening by the day. I thought it was a reaction to the sun or cholorine but my husband said to me “I think it has something to do with his brain.” My husband did not mean anything bad and was just making an observance as he was moving his whole face when trying to open and close his eyes. He did not know this, but that comment sent me swirling into a spiral of deep emotions. Yesterday, Ethan said that his stomach hurt and after an hour starting vomiting violently for all of the evening and throughout the night. Inside of my head, I know that this was just a little flu but I cant stop my mind from going back to that hospital bed and thinking the worst. My right brain tells me that this is not logical and that kids get sick and Ethan and Aiden will be ok when they get sick but I don’t know how. I know that PTSD is not easy to get over and for my kids sake, I need to not mentally go back to that hospital bed when they are sick. Kids get sick all the time and I cannot put myself or them through this when they just need mommy to take care of them.

I am seeking help but have never really addressed my issues with PTSD and have realized that this is something that I need to work on and try to get over.

I know that I am SO lucky that I have healthy baby boys and getting over this emotional trauma will help me be a better person and a better mom.

My heart truly goes out to the people that were not as fortunate as me and I really can’t imagine how they move forward. I do not that I know a lot of people who have been through emotional trauma and struggle with depression. There is a link between trauma and depression and I would love to be able to talk about it without it being so taboo.

XOXO- Trying to address my trauma and know that I am lucky twin mom

Your mommy is a liar

So, I find myself in another situation where I am caught completely off guard…potty training. Maybe I am naive or too honest but sometimes I just wish other moms would be more honest about the reality of certain things such as potty training. I think that as a society we are not supposed to say anything negative when it comes to our children and I would love to write a book about “the truth about motherhood.” I will say this now so I don’t get criticized: I love my children dearly but raising them is HARD. If you read my earlier posts you would see that I was caught off guard when I became a mom because I think we paint this beautiful maternal portrait and I think a little honesty would help people with expectations. I mean I know that they are my kids and it is my responsibility to potty train them but honestly all I heard was if you spend 3 good days and really dedicate yourself to the process by day 3 they will be potty trained, BULLSHIT! I am on day like 15 and Aiden took a crap in the dog bed yesterday. I feel like I am doing everything thing correctly but let me tell you the truth, it is hard and it sucks! I wish somebody would have told me that, I can honestly say that nobody told me that it was hard…I actually heard about how easy it is as long as they are ready. It is kind of like breastfeeding, everybody says oh it is so natural and easy…no it is not. Breastfeeding for a first time mom is hard, you don’t know what to do and neither does the baby. I stuck it out and think it is very important but just wish somebody would have told me…”it is going to be hard.”

I mean is this like when Piper told Red that her business was booming to spare her the harsh truth? SPOILER ALERT- Red finds out that her business is shutdown in season 3 of OITNB and she tells Piper that she should have told her the truth. I agree with Red…just tell me the truth and I will be better prepared!

I am kind of on a soapbox this morning but I am sick of mother shaming because a mom tells the truth about how hard it is to raise children. I often get a lot of criticism for being so truthful and maybe there are people that have these magic breastfeeding, 3 day potty training prodigy children but I don’t. I love them but it is not easy and as they grow there are new challenges in each stage.

I guess what I want from all of this is a community of moms that are not afraid to tell people that things like potty training are hard. Just because you say it is hard does not make you love your child any less. So if you ask me for advice, it may be hard to swallow but it will be the truth and I wish that others would do the same so we can prepare ourselves. If I knew how challenging potty training would be I would have had ample amounts of wine on hand!

XOXO- Drinking wine for breakfast twin mom