So why have I chosen today to talk about this. Well lets go back to my trauma. I have shared briefly about the early birth of my twins but here are more specific details. Ethan and Aiden both entered the world early and small. Ethan was the larger of the boys and we did not expect any health complications from him. Within 24 hours both of his lungs collapsed and he was on 100 life support. Ethan could not eat and was full of tubes and IVs in every part of his little body. He was sedated on morphine because he was in so much pain and they could not risk him waking up and pulling on a tube. Just talking about this in detail takes me back to that time, that very very dark and scary time. I remember staying awake all night and waiting for that red phone to ring. That phone and its red light haunt me to this day. The doctors did tell us that our little Ethan may not make it, they were very honest about this. I remember the worst day, My husband and I were sitting in the room and it was very early in the morning and one of the neonatal doctor walked in the room and told us that he needed to talk to us. We looked at each other and thought that this was the time Dr. Lopez was going to tell us that Ethan did not make it through the night. I cannot describe in words the way that I felt at the moment, it was probably one of the worst moments of my life. Thank God Dr. Lopez was coming in to get a signature from us to put an IV in his belly button that would supply him with nutrition and wanted to talk to us personally about the possible complications. We agreed and the line was put in. We were the lucky ones, we got to bring our babies home and they are healthy and happy little boys but that trauma seems to haunt me even 3 years later.
I don’t love Ethan anymore than Aiden but because what Ethan went through, when he is sick or something is wrong with him I quickly go back to that hospital bed with that red light. This is called PTSD and I now understand it and that it is part of my life.
After our Staycation Ethan was having trouble keeping his eyes open and it was worsening by the day. I thought it was a reaction to the sun or cholorine but my husband said to me “I think it has something to do with his brain.” My husband did not mean anything bad and was just making an observance as he was moving his whole face when trying to open and close his eyes. He did not know this, but that comment sent me swirling into a spiral of deep emotions. Yesterday, Ethan said that his stomach hurt and after an hour starting vomiting violently for all of the evening and throughout the night. Inside of my head, I know that this was just a little flu but I cant stop my mind from going back to that hospital bed and thinking the worst. My right brain tells me that this is not logical and that kids get sick and Ethan and Aiden will be ok when they get sick but I don’t know how. I know that PTSD is not easy to get over and for my kids sake, I need to not mentally go back to that hospital bed when they are sick. Kids get sick all the time and I cannot put myself or them through this when they just need mommy to take care of them.
I am seeking help but have never really addressed my issues with PTSD and have realized that this is something that I need to work on and try to get over.
I know that I am SO lucky that I have healthy baby boys and getting over this emotional trauma will help me be a better person and a better mom.
My heart truly goes out to the people that were not as fortunate as me and I really can’t imagine how they move forward. I do not that I know a lot of people who have been through emotional trauma and struggle with depression. There is a link between trauma and depression and I would love to be able to talk about it without it being so taboo.
XOXO- Trying to address my trauma and know that I am lucky twin mom
theorganizedtwinmom 