It really starts this early?

The day I decided to have kids I knew that I wanted them to be involved in sports. Not in the really pushy parent way but I just wanted to them have the option to be involved in a sport that makes them happy, their choice. When I grew up my parents could not afford things like dance, soccer or any of the other things that we wanted to be a part of and I get it…it is expensive and my mom had 4 of us.

When I had the opportunity to involve my children in soccer, one of my favorite sports I jumped at the opportunity of starting them at a young age. Most leagues require players to be at least 4 years of old but this new league on my side of town (bonus because I live in the sticks) is offering a league for 3 and older. I was so excited, I mean I don’t really know if the boys like soccer but we kick around the ball at the park and they seem to enjoy it. I registered the boys and went a little crazy with supplies: shin guards, cleats, shorts, jerseys, socks, soccer balls, etc. Then the first practice came and it was hectic to say the least. Practice starts at 5 (which is not really convenient for working mothers) but I managed to wrangle both kids into all of their gear (I mean do 3 years old really need shin guards???) and get them to practice by 5:05, not bad…right? WRONG! You would have thought I was the worst human being on earth from the daggers shooting out of the eyeballs of the other mothers. You would have thought they were playing a world cup game and I had Messi himself and was late to the starting kickoff. Anyway, nobody spoke to me other than the comments I heard under their breath. I truly don’t know what I did to these women, by the way the male coaches seem to like me just fine but I am the odd mom out. I mean I was dressed in a black suit because I just rushed home from work and did not even have time to go to the restroom let alone change. I don’t know if they were intimidated or mad because I work or maybe they were just mad that I was 5 minutes late. The practice was one of the hardest things to get through as my kids are much younger and smaller than the kids on their team, again I am the asshole parent trying to chase them around. Then snack time comes and what is it…soda and chips! Um, my kids rarely eat chips and have never had soda in their life so again I am the asshole that does not let my kids have those things and they throw the double trouble tantrum because all of the other kids get to eat those things and mine don’t. So second practice, same thing, rude glares, comments except my then husband was there and they were peachy and sweet to him. By the way the stress of that entire day is what eventually led to him moving out but anyway, 2 minutes late so an improvement. Kids interacted a little more so that was good but all in all it was pretty stressful. Both kids had to poop in the middle of practice so I am over there with their “emergency potty” trying to clean up poop while being attacked by flies and still in my work clothes and dripping sweat but oh well. Oh and did I mention that my kids primary language is Spanish and when we are at soccer practice I speak English so other people do not think I am rude but when I am having private conversations we speak in Spanish so hearing derogatory comments about living in America and speaking English are really offensive. To be honest, I am Republican and not the liberal person they think I am but I know that speaking Spanish not only makes their brain grow but will give them opportunities for jobs and many other things in the future. I guess my point is, stop judging me. Snack time was the same except this time it was candy and juice boxes, neither of which my kids are allowed to have. I know I am strict but I grew up overweight and very unhealthy and want to give my kids the best health that I can. They get treats, they eat ice cream but I don’t need to overload them with sugar. If that is your parenting choice, OK that is fine but please respect mine. So today was game day, I no longer have a husband so it was all me which is overwhelming but I am so proud of them. Because game day is doing more of just running around and kicking the ball, they had fun and did great. I heard mommy gossip and sat by myself while the other moms made comments to each other but you know what that is OK. I mean it is not ok but I don’t care, if you are miserable enough to talk about other people, I feel sorry for you. I feel bad because this is supposed to be something fun and my kids are so young but this is giving me a sneak peak into how things will be when they get older. I thought to myself as they made me feel like an ass hole, maybe if you knew that I struggle with depression…you would be kind.

Maybe if you knew that my husband just left me and I am trying to take care of these kids by myself you would be kind.

Maybe if you knew that one of my close friend just died of cancer, maybe you would be kind.

Maybe if you knew that my best friend just put her dog down this morning and that dog had a huge part of my heart, maybe you would be kind

Maybe if you knew that my job was so stressful that I have been throwing up everyday at work, you would be kind.

Maybe if you knew that I am struggling with serious health problems, maybe you would be kind.

I know I am not the only one that has these battles but I really try to be kind to people and I wish so badly other people would do the same. So I am going to ignore these people, enjoy watching my kids run around like uncaged animals and just be me because that is all I can do and if it starts this early I better start having that attitude now.

XOXO- Struggling twin mom but proud of my soccer studs

MIA with great pics!

So, I have been MIA…I can’t believe it has been almost a month from my last blog post. I really need to make more of an effort to post more often and I told myself that I would not put it on the back burner but I have for some reasons that are reasonable and for some that are not. So first thing that happened is my in-laws came into town, ALL of them. I have had a few come before from time to time but it was my husbands entire family and it was overwhelming to put it politely.

Does anybody really like their in-laws? I mean I think that some people are better at tolerating them than I am but I mean like really like and look forward to them visiting? I wish that was the case but it never is…it is always very stressful and has become worse now that we have kids. I thought having kids would help the situation but it just adds another element of stress like “grandpa” giving them candy for breakfast and deciding that they don’t need to take naps during the day.

Then the kids got sick, I mean really sick like I thought they had something serious. It turns out that it was a wicked bad virus that I caught toward the end of their trip. So then I have to hear how I should take them to this type of doctor because my doctor is not treating them properly and I should not give them Motrin because it is bad for them but instead sit down with them for hours and place cold rags on their stomach??? I don’t know how that would even help but to each their own, just let me do my thing and you do yours. Oh and when you are in my house, you do mine!

So after what was one of the most stressful weeks I have had in a very long time, they left, YAY!! I was really thinking they were going to try to stay but they left and I spent the entire rest of the day cleaning up the mess they left behind. And who does that anyway, when did people stop cleaning up after themselves??

So onto the better news. We went on vacation the day after they left. We have decided that our kids dont need gifts but instead to celebrate their birthdays we will take a family vacation. We are doing a little lower scale vacation for the time being as we tried a big trip to Cancun a year or so ago and it was a nightmare so for the toddler phase we are happy with a destination that is closer to home and does not involve airplanes and layovers. We went to a small beach town in Mexico (San Carlos). We rented a home right on the beach and literally just relaxed for the entire week. It was so exciting to see the boys want to go swimming and play in the ocean. Previous years, they were not thrilled with the water or sand but they now love to swim and look for seashells.

This trip was just what we needed after all the sickness and stress of the previous weeks.

Although life is crazy: work, kids, soccer, exercise, etc. I am going to try to not go MIA anymore. I need to get back on track with a lot of things including this blog so I hope to see you soon.

I am also including some pics we took on vacation 🙂

XOXO- no longer MIA twin mom

Trying to control your feelings in an emotional world

I have always embraced being am emotional person but have come to the realization that our emotions control us and can stand in the way of us moving forward in certain aspects of our life. My feelings have let family, friends and co-workers treat me poorly because of this my fear that if I say how I feel they will hurt my feelings. I know that I need to learn to control my feelings to be my best self and get to where I need to be. I took the following excerpt from a phenomenal video about this topic. If you need a little motivation this will definitely help. These 6 minutes can really make you think of things differently. So, I am a work in progress but for the time being I am going to try to follow what this video is saying because it speaks a lot of truth.

“At the end of your feelings is nothing,
But at the end of every principles is a promise
Behind your little feelings, it might not be absolutely nothing at the end of your little feelings
But behind every principles is a promise
And some of you in your life
The reason why you are not in your goal right now, because you just all about your feelings
All on your feelings, you don’t feel like waking up, so who does?

Everyday you say ‘no’ to your dreams,
You might be pushing your dreams back a whole six months, a whole year!
That one single day, that one day you didn’t get up could have pushed your stuff back I don’t know how long

Don’t allow your emotion to control you
We are emotional but we wanna begin to discipline your emotion
If you don’t discipline and contain your emotion, they will use you

You want it and you’re going to go all out to have it
Its not going to be easy, when you want to change
Its not easy. If it were in fact easy, everybody would do it
But if you’re serious, you’ll go all out”

XOXO- Need to make some changes twin mom

The common denominator

Obviously I have been doing a lot of self analyzing these past few months and I have come to a harsh realization that I think people suck in general. I mean I don’t know if everybody pretends to put on a show like they have perfect families, great friends and the best life ever but I don’t. I see a lot of people with this idealistic life which is literally the opposite of what I have and wonder how true to themselves they are being. Either they are full of shit, or I am the common denominator and I just suck as a family member, as a person, as a friend. This is my life in a nutshell:

-I have what people would consider a great career, but I am not fulfilling my life’s passion. At the end of the day, I go to a job because I am good at it and they pay me well.

-My marriage is a constant struggle, almost a daily battle not to go to the court house and run for freedom. I love my spouse very much but the stress of life has taken a serious toll on us, we are more like roommates that live with each other and tolerate each other because we have to.

-I have no real friends, I keep in touch with people from high school but we see each other maybe 2 times a year. I have park friends that I hang out with to try to establish some type of social circle for my children. I also have those people that we think are forever friends that turn out not to be, they move one, we change life paths and the truth is they never really cared too much anyway. I mean I get it, everybody has their own life, I think I am all in when it comes to trying to be a friend and other people just are not, I need to realize this and stop trying so hard.

-I have no help, like literally. I love when I tell people this and they say they feel the same but their mother in law, sister, aunt, etc. comes to babysit one time a week. I have no help, no family that comes to visit or people that want to take time out of their life to help me watch the kids for a minute so I can try to be a real person. I have one lovely family that watches the kids but I have to pay them for their services so it is more of a business arrangement. I guess I define help as giving up something, time or energy to help somebody with something without expecting something in return…yeah I don’t have that.

-My kids are very challenging. There are some days that are better than others but having two almost 3 year old toddler boys is SO hard. Here is your standard “I love them dearly, blah blah blah” and I do but it is a daily challenge. From the moment I wake up to the moment they go to sleep, I am fighting a constant battle about what clothes to wear, what food to eat, what toy they are going to fight over today, and the list goes on and on. I cant imagine my life without my boys but I do daydream of simpler times when I could lay on the couch until 10AM, eat a hot meal without somebody screaming or throwing their food on the floor, having ME time.

– I am tired, physically, mentally and emotionally every single day. The term that refers to the candle burning on both ends, that is how I feel. My day starts at 4:30AM with making breakfast, getting ready for work, getting the kids up, feeding them, getting them to daycare and trying to get to work on time and ends after I have had a stressful day at work, picked them up from daycare, cooking dinner, cleaning up dinner, baths, put them in their pajamas and put them down for bed. By this time, I am so exhausted I rarely stay up to watch TV or read or do anything human. Not to mention, keeping the house clean, laundry, paying bills, keeping up the yard, etc. and the list is never ending.

So, I am not a supermom or a super human being I am quite average just trying to get through everyday. I see other people with great family and great friends and I envy what they have as adolescent as that might be. We always dream of the perfect family, the life long friends, the perfect marriage, the beautiful years of raising our perfect kids but that is not what I have. So maybe this ideal life exists and I am the common denominator from preventing this perfect life for myself and my family or maybe it is bullshit and people just are not honest about the harsh realities they face in their daily lives. I choose to be honest, that is a common mistake I make. I wear my heart on my sleeve and give everything to everybody and maybe that is my mistake. Maybe I should start worrying about me and caring about me as much as I do about other people. Self love and acceptance is not easy for somebody like me but maybe I will star there. Who knows maybe one day I will not be the common denominator anymore.

XOXO- Lonely twin mom

Hurt people hurt people

When somebody said “hurt people hurt people” it took my mind awhile to comprehend and really process what that means and the depth of the statement. Basically this means that people who are mean, hurt people, etc. are in essence damaged from the hurt they received in their lifetime. Their hurt can be from many forms, physical, emotion, sexual, verbal, etc. and we may never know what causes them to hurt and to be quite frank I don’t really care. The point of this for me was because I have often found myself in life asking why people are so mean or why people hurt people with intention. I guess you could say that not all hurt people hurt other people. I guess I would consider myself a pretty damaged person and have faced a lot of adversity in my life but instead I use those feelings to try to give and help people but admittedly I am sure that I am hurt people too.

This concept has helped me because in my circumstance, I don’t speak to a lot of people… mostly the people who hurt me including people that I should be very close to including my mom. My mom despises her mother and my grandmother is not a nice woman and never has been. I remember my mom telling me that when she started her period as a teenager, her mom threw a tampon at her and called her a whore… so my mom was not shown love as a child which I think is the root of her pain. My mom would never admit this and I would never tell her to her face because I really don’t think she acknowledges this but she has become a replica of her mother. No, she did not throw a tampon at me but she did things in other ways that were just as hurtful. I know that my mother has a kind heart but I think that she never broken the cycle and became who she hated most. I also think my brothers addiction took such a huge toll on her, that she really hardened and even when we were speaking, I rarely saw those glimpses of kindness that I know were there deep down somewhere. I have chosen to break this cycle of pain by counseling and addressing the pain so that I do not share this pain or take it out on my own children. I had a rough childhood, I was never given anything and faced some forms of abuse (mostly verbal and mental) but now that I understand the concept I am so happy that I have the ability to break the cycle. As far my mother, I hope she seeks help but I don’t think this will ever happen and I cannot change people or will them to change.

My husband also had a rough childhood, he was born and raised in one of the toughest places in the world to grown up…Mexico City. He faced poverty and a father that walked out on his family and had anger issues. Now that I understand this concept I can see that when my husband shuts down (I mean like really shuts down), it is his coping mechanism of dealing with the things that he does not want to revisit from his childhood. I do hope that for our children, he also wants to break the cycle. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is a wonderful man and father but as he gets older I see more and more of his father in him and I truly believe this is because he has never faced these feelings. He is tough, very tough and does not want anybody including me to see what is underneath. Exploring these feelings is not easy but in order to be our best self we have to explore, acknowledge and change to break the cycle of hurt.

I have one person in my life that literally makes my life very stressful. Because this is a public forum, I will leave our relationship out of it but those of you who know me or have read my other blogs can probably take a wild guess on who this person is. This person goes out of her way to make my life harder, she makes racist comments about my Mexican children and does much more but we will leave it at that. So why is this person so mean? Although this is not a hall pass for her behavior, she is damaged and hurt and I really think she is a scared little girl using her position of power to bully people and have power that she must not have had in her life or childhood.

So how do we deal with this people? If you have a magical potion please let me know but I have learned that it is not OK for people to treat you poorly. We can try to understand that they are mean because they are hurt somehow and someway. I have started to express myself and feelings to certain people and will be telling one person in particular that she cannot treat me poorly anymore. I don’t know why I am afraid and I know that deep down she will probably have a deeper respect for me as these people usually pray on the weak. For the record most people would consider me the opposite of weak…I am very Type A and outspoken but certain people know how to manipulate me but it is time for that to stop.

So if somebody is nasty to you, just remember it is not you that is hurting it is them and they have to live with that…not you. Although this is not always comforting, it may help to understand that you are not the problem and that is a small start for me at least.

Thanks for listening .

XOXO- Optimistic Twin mom

Trauma, not the kind from Grey’s Anatomy

trauma:

noun

1. a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

2.physical injury.

When I think about Trauma, the first thing that comes to mind is the scenes from Grey’s Anatomy of people being wheeled into the ER with gaping physical injuries (definition 2 above). I have luckily never had an severe physical trauma. On the other side of the coin, I have dealt with a deeply distressing experience (definition 1). Before I went through emotional trauma I really knew nothing about it.

So why have I chosen today to talk about this. Well lets go back to my trauma. I have shared briefly about the early birth of my twins but here are more specific details. Ethan and Aiden both entered the world early and small. Ethan was the larger of the boys and we did not expect any health complications from him. Within 24 hours both of his lungs collapsed and he was on 100 life support. Ethan could not eat and was full of tubes and IVs in every part of his little body. He was sedated on morphine because he was in so much pain and they could not risk him waking up and pulling on a tube. Just talking about this in detail takes me back to that time, that very very dark and scary time. I remember staying awake all night and waiting for that red phone to ring. That phone and its red light haunt me to this day. The doctors did tell us that our little Ethan may not make it, they were very honest about this. I remember the worst day, My husband and I were sitting in the room and it was very early in the morning and one of the neonatal doctor walked in the room and told us that he needed to talk to us. We looked at each other and thought that this was the time Dr. Lopez was going to tell us that Ethan did not make it through the night. I cannot describe in words the way that I felt at the moment, it was probably one of the worst moments of my life. Thank God Dr. Lopez was coming in to get a signature from us to put an IV in his belly button that would supply him with nutrition and wanted to talk to us personally about the possible complications. We agreed and the line was put in. We were the lucky ones, we got to bring our babies home and they are healthy and happy little boys but that trauma seems to haunt me even 3 years later.

I don’t love Ethan anymore than Aiden but because what Ethan went through, when he is sick or something is wrong with him I quickly go back to that hospital bed with that red light. This is called PTSD and I now understand it and that it is part of my life.
After our Staycation Ethan was having trouble keeping his eyes open and it was worsening by the day. I thought it was a reaction to the sun or cholorine but my husband said to me “I think it has something to do with his brain.” My husband did not mean anything bad and was just making an observance as he was moving his whole face when trying to open and close his eyes. He did not know this, but that comment sent me swirling into a spiral of deep emotions. Yesterday, Ethan said that his stomach hurt and after an hour starting vomiting violently for all of the evening and throughout the night. Inside of my head, I know that this was just a little flu but I cant stop my mind from going back to that hospital bed and thinking the worst. My right brain tells me that this is not logical and that kids get sick and Ethan and Aiden will be ok when they get sick but I don’t know how. I know that PTSD is not easy to get over and for my kids sake, I need to not mentally go back to that hospital bed when they are sick. Kids get sick all the time and I cannot put myself or them through this when they just need mommy to take care of them.

I am seeking help but have never really addressed my issues with PTSD and have realized that this is something that I need to work on and try to get over.

I know that I am SO lucky that I have healthy baby boys and getting over this emotional trauma will help me be a better person and a better mom.

My heart truly goes out to the people that were not as fortunate as me and I really can’t imagine how they move forward. I do not that I know a lot of people who have been through emotional trauma and struggle with depression. There is a link between trauma and depression and I would love to be able to talk about it without it being so taboo.

XOXO- Trying to address my trauma and know that I am lucky twin mom

It is a great performance

Although it may look like I have everything together… I don’t and I am tired of pretending that I am alright.

Today is one of those days that I feel the gray clouds moving in…maybe because it is Father’s day and I don’t speak to my family, maybe because even though I made that decision not to talk to my parents I still wish they reached out to see if I am OK. Maybe it is because the one person I have left in the world and I are slowly drifting apart and I don’t know how to fix it. I know that marriage is hard and mine is full of love but when you have children and no help, no dates, no time for yourself it just takes a toll that may not be able to be repaired. I asked fellow Moms of multiples for advice via a Facebook group (may I add that the divorce rate for parents of multiples if something like 80%) and the majority of the responses were the same “just survive for the time being and when they get older it will get easier.” But to be honest, I am tired of surviving, my life is too challenging to just survive until it gets better, I need more. I need love and support and everything that we used to have especially considering that I really don’t have anybody else. I don’t know why I create my own suffering and look at old pictures of the few times that my father spent time with my children and they adored him. I mostly feel sad for them or maybe it is for me, I am not really sure I just know that it hurts and I wish so badly that I felt whole and not broken. I am supposed to be getting better and realizing that my life is better without certain people in it but sometimes I just miss them especially when the one person I have to talk to is not really listening anymore.

I can attribute my mood to a bad day and a bad argument but the truth is I feel broken a lot of the time. I wake up everyday and exercise and get the kids ready and take care of them and the house and the yard and dinner and bills and groceries and also balance my career with all of this and I am just tired of pretending that I am ok because I am not sure that I am anymore.

Everyday I am put together, my kids are cute as a button, my house is spotless and I am doing a million things that make me superwoman but maybe I want to stop this and just be able to be not ok for a minute and have somebody care.

Although I am typing all of this, I will wake up tomorrow and start act 1 and the performance will begin.

XOXO- broken twin mom

The company you keep

I am a firm believer of the above quote but sometimes letting go of those relationships can be very painful. I find myself exposing much more personal information that I intended to in this blog but feel in order to really be true to myself and my readers (I think I am at 5 followers which may not be much but just knowing that somebody is out there reading my words makes me very happy, thank you!) So where was I…oh yeah my relationships and my family. To put a very long story into a summary, my “family” meaning the people that I grew up with consists of 6 people: my mom, my dad, brother (oldest of 4), sister (2nd oldest), me, sister (the youngest). I have recently cut ties with every single person listed above and it is not easy. Some people will say how dare you not speak to your parents or your siblings, they are all you have…yeah I have heard it and don’t need to hear it again I have enough guilt as it is even though this decision makes me a happier person. So a brief synopsis, my mother is and has always been an alcoholic, my dad was there physically but not really at all, he was very absent and they never had a happy marriage. My brother Justin is smart, probably the smartest one out of all of us but found drugs at a young age and is an addict to this day although my mother would deny that as she has enabled him and they have a serious codependency issue. My older sister is Brittany, her and I are the most similar as far as careers and life path you could say but we have VERY different personalities. Brittany is very worried about what other people think and is all about people seeing that she has money and does a lot to impress people, she has good qualities too. Brittany is very driven and she is actually an RN who went back to school to become a nurse practitioner and has been there for me when nobody else was like when the boys were in the NICU…she is funny because she will not call to wish your kids happy birthday but then will do something super nice out of nowhere. Then there is me, I have always been the overachiever which I am realizing now that may be because I am constantly seeking approval and love from others…I always thought I just wanted to be different than my mom but I think I am starting to realize that I am a people pleaser and a constant seeker of acceptance. Then there is Shana, she is the baby, she was a teen mom and is now a stay at home mom of 3, she is very street smart but very stubborn and can be closed minded, although she does not see it…she is a lot like my mom. My mom struggled raising us, my dad did not help and she became a survivor and I see that in Shana. Shana and I have always been very close, you can say she has always been my best friend and I love her dearly. Truthfully I love everybody in my family but I just don’t necessarily like them and I have come to realize that having their company is not really healthy for me. My mom has hurt me deeply, even when I was young I remember when I got good grades she always accused me of thinking that I was better than her, same reaction when I went to college, bought a house, etc. This is a topic for another time but recently I stopped talking to my mom because she was very absent with my children and when I did talk to her, she was either drunk or talking about how much she hates her job, hates her husband, hates everything. Hearing this negativity can really suck the life out of the person on the receiving end which was me. I have really not spoken to my brother for years as I think that tough love is the way to help him and want him to get clean so badly although he does like to drop my name when he is applying for jobs as we work for the same company and I am a senior officer in the HR department. Brittany just hurt my feelings when she did not call my kids to say happy birthday and Shana well, our relationship has always been me walking on egg shells and when I stopped talking to my mom she stopped talking to me. SO, sorry for the long story but wanted to give some relevance to the topic.

So what is the point of all of this? For me I guess I ponder and struggle everyday with the loss of these relationships. My therapist says that I am healthier without these toxic relationships and I know he is right but that does not stop my heart aching for the family that I don’t have. I have my own family, my husband and my kids but this is not what I pictured when I was young… I pictured my kids going to grandma’s house on the weekends and my nieces playing in the park with my boys. This hit me like a brick wall when I went to the hairdresser last week who also does Brittany’s hair and she said… did you see the new baby? My sister had a baby and I did not even know it. I looked on Facebook (we are not friends but I can see her profile picture) and saw a picture of this beautiful perfect little baby girl that does not even know she has an aunt that loves her and 3 year old cousins that would love her and probably try to carry her around like a doll. Then the biggest hit, a picture of the baby with her two other sisters and Shana’s three girls all together. This one hurt really bad especially since Shana and Brittany have not spoken in years. Maybe they came together in their equal hatred for me. I know in my heart that in order for me to become my best self I need to stay away from toxic relationships even if they are with people in my family but it is not easy. I am hopeful that they will also seek help and we can come together later when we are all healthy and we can have a healthy relationship. Until that day, I mourn them, I miss them and even though I pretend that it does not effect me…it does. I think about them almost everyday and wish so badly that my beautiful little boys had grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. When I feel really down, I think…even when you were talking to them they never came to visit, they never called to say hello, they never offered to babysit so maybe I am missing what I wish they were and not what they actually are. So until that magical day comes, I will choose to keep the company that adds positivity to my life although they may not be high in quantity, they are high in quality and add something positive to my life.

If anybody has any advice on how to get through missing them, please feel free to share.

XOXO- Feeling sad today twin mom